We seem to be living in an era where people often engage in comparison. Thanks in part to the advent of social media, with people posting their highlight reels and making it seems as though their lives are nearly perfect, many people find that they engage in a dangerous game of comparing their lives to those of others, even those they do not know personally. Where, you may ask, is the danger in that?
The danger lies in the fact that we cannot really know what is going on in the lives of others unless we know them personally and show an interest in who they are and what they are doing. That requires some measure of vulnerability and courage to connect in real life, on a human level. Social media largely prevents us from really connecting and reinforces the often subconscious act of comparing our lives to others. That happens with social media, and in real life. Comparing our lives to those of others is a slippery slope that can leave us feeling either better than or less than others. It encourages us to “one up” or, sometimes, “one down” with others so that we feel in some way either better than or less than others. Either way, doing so is bad for our mental health.
When we “one up” or “one down” with others, what we are doing is encouraging feelings of insecurity to fester within us. The more secure we are in ourselves and our own lives, the less we will feel the need to engage in those “one up” or “one down” behaviors of comparison. The more secure we are in ourselves and our lives, the more we will come to realize that comparison is a futile act. There will always be someone who has more and there will always be someone who has less. The question is, can you be okay with what you have while working toward what you want?
When we engage in comparison, when we “one up” or “one down” with others, we lose the ability to evaluate our own lives accurately. We look at our lives through a lens that is cloudy. And that can leave us feeling insecure. When we “one up” with others, what we really are doing is saying, “I have to prove to myself and others that I am better than someone else.” The same is true when we “one down” with others. When we say we have it worse than others, we are saying that we cannot appreciate all we have and all we are. This sort of behavior rarely leaves us feeling empowered, and in fact, can leave us feeling as though we are never good enough, smart enough, rich enough, never enough of anything at all.
While most of us engage in comparison at some point, it may behoove us to remember that doing so really only robs us of the chance to be happy with who we are, what we are and what we have. Yes, someone may have it better than us. That does not have to mean that we are somehow less than. Yes, someone may have it worse than us. That does not mean we are somehow better than. We just are. We just are wonderfully made, perfectly imperfect humans and that is all we need to be. We do not need to be better than or worse than to prove anything to anyone. We can just be us.
Can you give yourself permission to free yourself from comparison? Can you give yourself permission to appreciate who and what and where you are in your life without the need to compare yourself and your life to others? Can you remind yourself that comparison is the thief of joy?
~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCT
