So, like many other people, I am reading “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins, and I find the book intriguing. Much of what I am reading really resonates with me, as likely is true for many other readers. But, while a lot of what I am reading seems on target, some of what I have read so far has rubbed me that wrong way as a human and as a social worker.
In the book, Robbins intimates that most people have the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. I respectfully disagree. I think many people have better emotional maturity than that. Perhaps what some people are lacking is the emotional vocabulary to accurately describe what they are feeling. Emotions are nuanced, and having the vocabulary to accurately describe what we are feeling is important. That does not mean that if we do not have an expansive emotional vocabulary, we have the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old.
Robbins then goes on to say that we should offer those whose emotional maturity may be less than our own some pity. And compassion. Well, pity is not the same as compassion. In fact, pity and compassion are enemies. Pity implies a tone of superiority toward others while compassion views others as equals.
Perhaps what Robbins is trying to say is that when we choose to react to others whose emotional maturity is less than our own, what we should do is try to offer understanding for where they are coming from. Understanding goes a long way in an attempt to offer compassion. But again, pity is not the same as compassion. Offering someone pity can mean that we keep emotional distance from another person, while offering someone compassion offers us a chance to lean and really try to understand where another person is coming from.
Pity is more akin to feeling sorry for someone and not really trying to understand their plight. Compassion is trying to understand someone’s experience and honoring that experience. If we are trying to gain a better understanding of another person’s emotions or experience, offering that person compassion goes a lot farther than offering someone pity.
As I move through the book, I am reminded that using the “Let Them” theory is just a tool. Anyone who wants to be a better human, who wants to learn that they can choose how to react to what another person says or does may do well to remember that while we cannot control what others think, say or do, we can choose how we want to respond to others. Reminding ourselves that we all experience emotions differently, and express those emotions differently also may be helpful. And, reminding ourselves that some people may have developed a more expansive vocabulary to describe their emotions than have other people, that does not mean that their emotional maturity is less than or better than ours. It’s just different.
Compassion for others requires that we lean in and try to understand where another person is coming from. Compassion asks us to be curious about another person’s experience. It does not mean that we feel sorry for another person or compare that person’s experience to our own. Compassion means that we believe another person’s telling of their experience and respect their experience as their own. Compassion does not engage in comparison with another person’s experience. Compassion requires us to honor another person’s experience.
~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP
