I have been thinking a lot about self-compassion and how that relates to us holding ourselves accountable. Is it possible to both practice self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts and behaviors at the same time?

One of the reasons I have been spending so much time thinking about this is because of struggles I and those I love have endured in recent months. Health concerns have made it more challenging for me to exercise and engage in other activities I enjoy as much as I would like. How can I practice self-compassion for the health concerns I am facing while at the same time hold myself accountable to my values and goals?

It may seem to some that practicing self-compassion, which is an essential part of practicing self-love, and holding ourselves accountable for what we say and do are somehow diametrically opposed. Self-compassion, though, does not always mean letting ourselves off the hook for, say, a missed workout or a night of eating indulgent food. Self-compassion means we speak to ourselves kindly and remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can with what we have right now. Practicing self-compassion does not mean we do not hold ourselves accountable for what we say or do. We can do both at the same time.

I often think of how challenging it can be for some of us to practice self-compassion for missing a workout, eating indulgent foods, perhaps engaging in a little too much retail therapy and how that affects us being accountable for our actions. I, for one, sometimes have difficulty being compassionate with myself for a missed workout. When I do, I try to remember that sometimes our bodies dictate when it is time to take a rest day. It is perfectly acceptable to listen to our bodies and rest when we truly need to. It also is acceptable, and to some degree necessary, to hold ourselves accountable to our values of health and fitness by returning to exercise as soon as our bodies are ready. That is how we can practice both self-compassion and hold ourselves accountable at the same time.

If we constantly look for excuses to eat those indulgent foods, practice retail therapy to somehow self-soothe our negative emotions, if we repeatedly give ourselves permission to skip one workout and then the next and then the next, we may not be holding ourselves accountable to our values of health, financial security or fitness. Giving ourselves permission to indulge from time to time can be an act of self-compassion, while doing so repeatedly keeps us from holding ourselves accountable. There must be a way to strike a balance between the two.

We find that balance by staying true to our values. What is it that you value most in your life? Is it health? Fitness? Financial security? The ability to travel? Time with friends and family? It is okay to practice self-compassion by reminding ourselves that we need rest, we do sometimes deserve a treat, we need to clothe our bodies, and we need to nourish ourselves with food while also making healthy choices. That is how we hold ourselves accountable.

When we fail to hold ourselves accountable for what we say or what we do, for what choices we have made and are making, we squander the gift of self-love. We get to self-love by balancing self-compassion with holding ourselves accountable. Are there steps you might be able to take to stay true to your values, hold yourself accountable and also practice self-compassion? Can you strike some balance in your life?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP