I have noticed in the past few weeks that many people seem to have difficulty describing what they are thinking and feeling. It seems as though many people struggle to put the right words to their emotional experiences. This has made me think about the words we use to describe our feelings and emotions, and how important it is to use the right words.

It seems as though many people use certain words interchangeably. And, while that may work in some instances, it might not for all instances. Yes, some words have perfectly acceptable synonyms, but others don’t often really fit the bill. And in order to really convey what one is experiencing emotionally so that we feel seen, heard and understood, it is important that we use the right words.

What does this mean, and how can we expand our emotional vocabulary? There are several ways to do so, including using the internet to find a list of words that can be used to describe our emotions. A good therapist also could provide a feelings wheel, which offers a decent range of emotional vocabulary words. There also are some good books out there that can help you use your feeling words to more accurately describe your experience. One that comes to mind is Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart.”

When we fail to use the right words to describe what it is we are thinking or feeling, we may end up feeling as though whomever it is we are sharing with does not really understand us, leaving us feeling unheard. This can lead to an avalanche of feelings such as anger, resentment, disappointment or disconnection. So, when we are trying to explain what it is we are feeling, it might be helpful to think about what we really are experiencing so we can accurately convey to another person our experience.

For example, if we are feeling frustrated by a situation at work or home, but we say we are mad, it might be helpful to think about that “mad” feeling a little more. It might be helpful to go beyond that “mad” feeling to find a more descriptive word for our experience. Is the feeling scared? Betrayed? Rejected? Afraid? Disappointed? What really is going on?

The more we practice using more descriptive words to share our feelings, the more likely it could be that we leave a conversation feeling seen, heard and understood. That does, though, require us to really consider what it is we are feeling. That in itself may require us to slow down, think about our experience and find the right words to describe it.

Words matter. If during an exchange with someone, I feel myself getting tense, my chest tightens and my face reddens, and all I can come up with is the word “angry,” that might not be the best, most accurate descriptor of my feelings in that situation. Maybe what I really am feeling is embarrassed or hurt or uneducated on a topic. It really does matter that we use the right words to describe our experience. Otherwise, the other person could have a hard time responding properly to the feeling that is being shared. And that can leave the speaker, us, feeling unheard and invalidated.

Choose your words carefully. Give yourself a moment or two to really consider what you are feeling and try to find the words that most accurately describe that feeling. Doing so will give you and your listener an opportunity to forge a deeper, more meaningful connection.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP